if i can run in heels then i can drive
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
