all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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