Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
