My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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