I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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