They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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