Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
