Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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