Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
