happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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