By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
