we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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