She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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