Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
