don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
