Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
