1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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