i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
