i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
