yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
