Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
