it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
