I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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