I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize