Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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