Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
