Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
