i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
