i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
