I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
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I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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