I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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