FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
