i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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