I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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