you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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