I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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