why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
