Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
