I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
