I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
