It's like God shit irony all over that family
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
