The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
