I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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