I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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