I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
