me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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