You're completely useless in the revolution.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
