bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
