i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
