So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
