Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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