My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
