And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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