census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
