my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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