Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
