Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Is it because I queefed?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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