he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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