Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I will be naked everywhere
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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