She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
