i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sobbing to NWA
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
