My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We're like a lot better than the average bears
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I checked into jail on foursquare
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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